Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Virtues like bravery, desire to protect the ones you love, spiritual / moral conviction, and brotherhood, are - quite unfortunately - not exempt from being manipulated by those who don't give one ounce of respect for those same concerns or values.

As such, it should be easy to see how vengeance, reprisal, and retribution are even more able to be wielded, or at least preyed upon... or even, sadly, wasted on efforts that only produce more insanity, suffering, discord, or dehumanization.

So if anyone wants peace, they have to renounce pursuits of dehumanizing violence, and especially the reasoning that justifies it - no matter what form it takes (even more so the more grievous the evidence). There's no diversity when we're all burning in the melting pot. We are sharing this human form, and the bones don't move when its spirit leaves them.

... bones that don't move and the reasons why they don't move will always be inadequate in justifying treating others as less than human, in justifying why fellow humans can't have peace.

They offer no solutions,
only examples of what happens when you don't choose to value
the spirit that leaves them
above the ephemeral structuring of ancient atoms it embodied.

- J

If you can't laugh about a theory, you're doing it wrong.

More #SocionicsQuotes

- J

This is a difficult thing to address properly in yourself and others, and requires a centerdness before really being able appreciate it. In an egoic sense, if someone isn't present or is dealing with a significant pain body, this kind of remark or insight can be lead to strong, negative reactions.

What kind of a friend would point that out?

That may be a good segue into why it's important to have nourishing, supportive, (and even spiritually competent) relationships - as a friend who was concerned about your deeper well being is a friend who might say that. But if you don't trust that about them, or you are too caught up in your own mind and egoic clinging, then it's a tough situation - turbulence likely.

With all of this in mind, however, there is a truth about your own pain being self-generated that can be liberating, in the sense that regardless of the situation or the pain, you can choose to focus on what is good, what is healing, what is love, or what is not of suffering.

I just wrote a note about a very high level application of this - about the victim of a sexual assault who was able to see a larger scale pain body at play, yet still maintain a constructive perspective. That's pretty amazing.

Be well.

- Jesse
Kimberly Smith is the CEO and founder of Make Way Partners, a Christian mission agency committed to protecting and training local communities to provide "everything it takes to raise a child within their own culture by their own indigenous leaders". Recently on HuffPostLive, she spoke about her experience in Sudan, including her sexual assault.

She explained that part of what has kept her going is understanding the "collective psychic trauma."

One of the men that raped me was not a man, he was a boy, not any different from the orphans that we have in our orphanage. I remember looking at his face and I wondered, 'How many of your sisters, how many of your aunties, or your mother [has been] raped through his whole Islamic invasion that your people have suffered.' These Darfuris are highly traumatized. What has happened to these people, for how long, for this kind of evil to just keep on circulating through them? It has taken time. It was not easy. It is not easy. I still get afraid at times, but there is something that I think wants, in all of us, to honor the dignity of humanity in each and every person.

 Without going into the complex situation that is Sudan, or the problematic nature of sexual assault, I wanted to capture and share Kimberly Smith's words and perspectives here; they point at something I greatly respect and illustrate both deep compassion and deep comprehension.

There is a particular vileness, unconsciousness, and down-right pain-fueled hatefulness that makes many of the most unholy acts possible. Sometimes those acts comes as a spilling over of long-brewing patterns of behavior and interaction, longstanding disrespect and not operating out of a place of love; chronic exposure to suffering. So when I hear the words:

What has happened to these people,
for how long,
for this kind of evil to just keep on circulating through them?

I think of someone who is very much aware; aware of the multi-generational nature of a great deal of suffering. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't excuse the rape; having compassion and empathy for underlying factors that cause something evil to happen doesn't erase the action. But it does help with being able to choose to operate from a place that is not from suffering.

As Kim Smith undoubtedly knows, it is the darkest of situations that require the most pure & true forms of love to bring healing and clarity. Wanting to understand and bring generosity in spite of the hurt.

It may be the most divine, powerful thing we humans are capable of, and I think it should be praised and celebrated whenever possible. There's a lot of hurt, yet there can be a lot of healing, too.

Be well, my friends.

- Jesse

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Here is a smaller / related follow up question to my original response on this topic. "Gulenko has said that he doesn't think duality can work unless there's a compatible DCNH subtype. Have you considered the subtypes of the Delta NFs you've known? It sounds like you're not compatible with C-subtypes, for example." Here is my response.
- Jesse


I'm not really that into DNCH stuff, but like I said, enneagram fits well. If anything, Fi-IEE and Ne-EII seem to be more about the area I really like. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I shut off some duals because of certain things, but my preferences have evolved so much that I'm kind of.... you know, arbitrarily picky about it. I just like a certain way of relating in increasingly close relationships, and i find that certain qualities - even outside of my quadra - are preferable. For example, there are certain people across the quadras I really feel I "gel" with, much more so than a few duals / delta NFs - but those ESI, IEI, SEI &ESE have remarkable depth and awareness, and those Deltas feel a bit closed off or just not able to communicate with me substantially. I don't know how much it can come down to subtypes, or even enneagram. 

 Part of the amazement is that even though I know my duals generally operate with me and communicate in a certain 'dialect' that is familiar, sometimes how they process that and try to offer me input or advice or interpretation of events is kind of off. And that's the thing; not every type is going to have the same take on things - and in the case of EII, not every EII is going to have the same disposition ethically or values wise. There are liberals and conservatives, relativists and absolutists, people with lots of neuroses and unexamined relational baggage, and those actively trying to address those concerns so they can have a more clear and fulfilling ability to relate to people. 

 So whatever their subtype or enneagram, even, it seems to be about where people draw the line (as in, how do they determine what is acceptable for them, and what they choose to identify with). I think if anything, though, delta NFs who *aren't* very healthy, mature, etc... they have a particular repulsive factor - like "Ewwww OMG how can you be using that disposition or outlook that way!!!" There's an inclination to "address your duals faults", for sure, but it's one thing to want to help them with Thinking/Sensing related problems (weak functions), but another altogether to want to give them input on F/N stuff. That is, if I feel *I* am better at emotional intelligence, empathy, relationship maintenance, or things like that (to generalize), or that my "Fi is stronger than theirs", then it's a sense of great estrangement. Or even in a more concrete, less esoteric sense - if I see an EII who has a particular way of valuing relationships or expressing their interpretation of how things should be - and feel very averse to it - that kind of feeling is a very strong repulsion factor. Like an EII, say, with vastly different political beliefs than my own, to generalize.

I say all that because I see socionics as a lens or prism that those other differences pass through, and even though those differences are illuminated in the shades of valuing Fi & Ne, and not valuing Se&Ti, it doesn't really change my overall liking of them. I might understand or "relate to them on a close psychological distance", but sometimes being close to things you don't want to be close to is extremely uncomfortable and unappealing.

A friend of mine at WSS recently posed the question: In your own words, how do you believe you would benefit from having your dual as your partner and/or best friend? Here is my unabridged response. As always, to me the most important factor in how I get along with anyone has to do with non-socionics factors: their maturity, their well rounded-ness, their ability to comprehend their own egoic structure, their ability to have empathy, care about others, and be able to contribute positively to relationships - those things are really what stand out to me, and those things are what my best friends have in abundance, across whatever typology you prefer. With that in mind, here is my full response to the posed question.
- Jesse


The honest response is that duality is not really appealing to me unless they are someone who is generally healthy, well rounded, mature, and 'open minded'; I don't mean Ne valuing, I mean someone who is willing and able to actually share an experience with you. I've met many EIIs who couldn't really do that, even though they 'gave me lots of Fi and Ne'.

That said, and to speak "within the theory", the positive qualities I'd associate with a dual (although some also apply to Delta NFs in general), is that they have an inclination towards positive relations that helps subtly reassure me to be benevolent. I used to be much more inclined to be brash and downright relationally destructive, and it's not "just because of Delta NFs" that I'm better, but some of them have helped me on that front. EIIs in particular, at their best, have an appealing consistency to them, and their inclination to want to focus on a few things at a time is a slight nod to productivity and general functionality. Also they generally seem loyal and trustworthy - or, at best they are. Perhaps most of all, Delta NFs (when healthy) seem ready to have deep, meaningful conversations or share significant things readily, which lends to an environment conducive to deeper mutual understanding - and I really value that now. It's a lot easier to walk up to a Delta NF (stereotypically) and just start talking about something meaningful to you, and realize they are going to value it and give you attention - compared to other types that might need some warming up to it. They are generally always ready to "listen" and give you attention in that sense, and I appreciate that.

Hearing EIIs talk about how they like Si creative stuff, whether it is certain elements of taking care of them or being good about having a clean house or organizing things, I have mixed feelings about. I like when people don't "interfere with my Si program", as in how I want things to be organized or functionally efficient (as some other S types do), but at the same time, being lazy is not appealing either - and I've met delta NFs who fit into that category.

[Addendum: 'romantically speaking', Delta NFs also seem to respond particularly well to how I like to go about things regarding touch or sensuality. I've met some who weren't at all accustomed to "Si", being more so with Se types or other things - and some have even been "confused" about it at first... but over time there seems to be a trust that builds in this context, and I like that a lot. Also, when it comes to "enjoying" or "appreciating physicality", a lot of Delta NFs don't know how to do that the way I do, and I enjoy kind of helping them experience that - and they've helped me see how to bring emotional content into that situation as well; mindless physicality is something Si types/ST can do pretty well at times, and NFs might enjoy it or tolerate it, but, when there is a combination of emotional resonance, trust & willingness, and a receptiveness to sort of Si sensory pleasure, that's a great mix, and it's rewarding to see a somewhat physically hesitant Delta NF enjoy themselves and more fully experience that realm of things. I enjoy that kind of chemistry with Delta NFs; arguably the most appealingly so in the socion, in my experience]

But in general, someone appreciating that I "enjoy" doing things a certain way is nice. For example, I've more or less mastered certain ways of cooking meals in terms of quality, taste, and efficiency, and some EIIs seem kind of fascinated by that, or have said "wow that's great that you gone through all that trouble (experimenting how to create great pizzas, or using innovative cooking techniques), I can't wait for you to show me the finished product after you're done :) ." EIIs seem to not mind or appreciate my fussing about sorting out those things... but sometimes I feel like IEEs are a little more involved with me in those experiments.

The reality is, I've found myself more so overall attracted to IEEs lately, although the somewhat more introverted version of them; the extremely extroverted or kind of mindlessly intuitive types that are ruled by their boredom, those aren't so appealing. EIIs who are super reclusive and generally un-engaging are equally unappealing. So there's a "sweet spot" somewhere in the middle, to be picky. This might also be explained by preferring E6s over E9s or other related things like that, but, I digress.

E9 EIIs, who are more inclined to 'not address things" or "let things slide" or "not want to put effort into addressing somewhat challenging topics", that kind of thing really bothers me. Having spent a lot of time around other versions of E9s, that whole way of dealing with things has become entirely intolerable, duality or not - and I know more than one E9 EIIs to draw on that from.

EIIs that are too rigid in their world views (There are some), or who are too passive (there are some) generally turn me off- perhaps even more so than other types with similar qualities, because I 'want them to use Fi & Ne in a certain way' - and when they don't, I find it boring, or even repulsive - even in terms of friendships or the most casual of relations. So again, how much of that really has to do with "socionics"? Only some. I think it really comes down to being balanced, earnest about seeing and growing as a person, and things like that. But that said, even given those non-socionics qualities, finding them in delta NFs has proven to be some of my most rewarding relationships, friendship or romantically speaking.

At their best, also, EIIs (and IEEs) have a way of making me feel like I really matter to them, or are special to them, or they make it very clear that I am high on their Fi priority scale - and that's really appealing. It's only really been Delta NFs that were able to get me to "trust" people relationally, because of their own consistency and relational benevolence, which has, after many years, led me to realize I can actually create and contribute to building the kind of relationships I want, not them sort of just "happening". Countless hours have been spent by various Delta NFs trying to get me to see certain things relationally, emotionally, and otherwise, and I appreciate that very much from them. They haven't all been good things that rubbed off on me, but on the whole I see the efforts made by healthy delta NFs as facilitating my growth as a person.

PS: As a small final note, someone recently said to me "socionics is wrong about duality", meaning that the idea that duals are the best possible relationship for each other and will make everything work out right - is wrong. To that, as you can guess, I'd say - no, people are wrong about duality, socionics isn't "wrong"; but that's because, to me, socionics doesn't say anything about duality other than it is a particular arrangement of IE's that relate to another type's arrangement of IE's. The profile descriptions of glorifying duality are obviously a bit romanticized, and I think they have use but should be seen in the context of trying to portray the complimentary aspect of psychological lopsidedness (an inherent, core feature of socionics theory); those profiles, at best, show how the two types can represent a more unified or holistic perspective or way of functioning. But there are plenty examples of toxic duality, or situations where people who have 'favorable inter-type relations' and yet get along quite poorly, reinforcing bad habits, not growing, and so on.

This is all in line with my other rhetoric about how the most important thing in relationships is not what type someone is. Even above, I speak highly about Delta NFs, and even allude to particular things those types brought to me other types haven't - but the ones that most contributed positively to me were also outstanding Whole People, and not just people who valued Fi & Ne. I emphasize this so much in my writings about socionics because it comes up so much in various communities - and it's extremely to important to have this in mind, too, when you're diagnosing what is going on relationally with someone "who might be a dual".

If you get along with them, or hate them to hell, it's not because of socionics.

PPS: A follow up question was asked to my response, and I answered it here, so check it out fore more thoughts on duality. 

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